Ladies, the wait is over. Long fortold in the legends of womenfolk, Rod Tender is finally here. So many women ask me " Rod Tender, why are you so awesome?" To this sweet but naive query I have no choice but to explain that no human language has enough superlatives or sufficiently warm and fuzzy adjectives to accurately verbalize the uncanny and breathtaking depth of of my seductive magnificence. "Rod Tender," you're probably wondering "you are so miraculously fantastic in every conceivable respect; how is this possible?" once you learn the ways of Rod Tender, you will ask instead "Is it even possible for you, Rod Tender, to be otherwise?". "Rod Tender, are you a man... or a God?" I never tire of this question, though I hear it incessantly-even in my sleep (which is as intoxicatingly alluring as I, Rod Tender, am). I am neither and both- an incomprehensibly sensuous enigma, as astounding as 1000 Superbowls, except with giant space robots versus the preserved and cognizant brains of Jesus and The Great Pumpkin, cloned and transplanted into an army of flesh-eating zombies riding atop magical pyrokenetic unicorns, only far, far sexier. Did I just blow your mind? Read on, and I swear to you that I, Rod Tender, will set the universe aright for you once more.